quarta-feira, 20 de janeiro de 2010

Me,myself and I

It’s been almost 3 months since you got in to our lives .We are together 24 hours a day,7 days a week and to be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at you. I just can’t take my eyes off of you.
Most of the time I feel truly blessed for my life, but sometimes I can’t help it thinking about how different my life would be had I made other choices.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about parties and going out to dance and I felt like it was ages ago since the last time I went out….and it was not, but it feels like I had another life long ago. I don’t know if I miss my former life yet…maybe I don’t. It’s just that it scares the hell out of me wondering how my life is going to be from now on. I never really thought of me as a mom. It’ doesn’t seem real and I feel like I don’t deserve the title. I’ve always thought of moms as those amazingly strong super-women and I’m quite sure I’m not one of them. I also know it’s normal to think like that.
Lately I haven’t felt like going out…I just want to stay home with you as much as I can, so it gives me a lot of time to think and to find out some things about myself that I didn’t have a clue before .
I feel that I should have done more when I could…I mean, professionally. I look to myself and I have this potential to be anything I want and I am not. I don’t know what to do to change that….this feeling of being useless is killing me. I’m so insecure and so needy sometimes….this is why I’m writing in English: it’s to embarrassing to admit all those things to everybody, so I guess only 2 or 3 people that I really trust will be able to read it and understand. I don’t want to keep it to myself. I want to post it and read it in the future, ‘cause I know it will help me to understand other things as well.
I know I’m such a mess and this process of thinking,thinking and writing helps me to get some sense out of everything.
I do love dancing and I’m pretty sure I always will as much as I love going out with my friends, going to the movies…there’s no reason I should stop doing all those things, right?
Anyways, it’s amazing that I keep discovering things about myself every time I talk to
a friend or read a book, watch a movie….I always think there’s nothing new going on in here and then I have a whole new “me” to deal with. I wish this could help me to write a book and get rich!hahahaha…but it won’t. I’ve found out some crazy things about my relationships that really blew my mind! Years of therapy wouldn’t have provided me such results. Somehow I’ve realized that the most attractive thing about people I know is the fact that they like me a lot, meaning that I tend to love more those who show the greatest affection towards me…It’s cheap psychology, but I guess I’m a bit narcissistic and I had no idea about it!
This can mean nothing to other people, but it will help me a lot in this process of getting to know myself, therefore, it will help me to understand others as well, since I’ve always believed that in order to really know someone, you need to know yourself first!

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